This Crazy Life

We’ve been home from PHP for almost 2 weeks now.  And I’ve found food in the trash, in the washing machine and in the front yard.  That’s just where I’ve found it.  Who knows where I haven’t found it.  Who knows how much has been eaten by our dogs.  The sad thing is I watch every meal and snack.  I sit beside her.  I watch her.  How she’s hiding the food I have yet to figure it out.  But she is.  It’s like magic I swear.  My eyes blink for a micro millisecond and bam, food is gone.  I feel like these kids could be so good at so many things if the eating disorder could be used for positive instead of negative.  It makes me feel like a complete failure.  How can I be finding hiding food when my number one job is watching her eat and making sure she’s eating enough.  I know she’s been trying to make her exchanges as small as possible since we’ve been home.  Every mealtime is a battle to make sure she’s meeting her exchanges.  I was completely surprised by the amount of weight she lost at our first outpatient visit this week.  Another thing I am screwing up royally.  So, we’re pushing more.  Watching closer.  We added 2 more flexible exchanges that she’s adding to evening snack.  I hope we are doing enough and next week we’ll have at a minimum held our ground and more hopefully we’ll have even gained some back.  It sucks.  It’s hard.  It shouldn’t be this way.  I was just talking to my sister earlier.  Her husband has a good friend from high school who is dying.  Cirrhosis of the liver.  His parents both died within a few months of each other and basically, he’s been drinking his way through the pain.  Now he’s dying.  Where some people get to be raging alcoholics for years and don’t kill themselves.  Just like some people try every crash diet or yo-yo diet for years.  They definitely have disordered eating, but they don’t end up with a full-blown eating disorder.  Why does it happen to one person and the other person is fine?  It just isn’t fair.