This Crazy Life

Friday started out like an ordinary day.  I put laundry in the washing machine, got a few things started around the house and then we headed to the city to her doctor’s apt.  However, that day will now never be forgotten.  She had lost weight once again.  And her resting heart rate was only 53.  They wanted to admit her into the hospital for refeeding and to watch her heart.  I cried a lot.  She cried a lot.  I didn’t want to spend the weekend in the hospital.  I had just gotten home from North Carolina.  It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.  I really did not want to go.  In fact, I still need to apologize to her team when we go back to her next apt.  However, I quickly learned that it was exactly what we needed.  On the way from the clinic to the hospital she broke my front windshield, the glass that covers my radio and shredded my planner.  That first night in the hospital I actually spent an hour trying to put the pieces of my life back together both literally and figuratively.  She also told me that I had to tell them to keep her meal plan under 900 calories.  Because that is in fact enough calories for a 12-year-old growing girl.  Once in the hospital she asked me not once, not twice but three different times if she would hide the food if she could give it to me to help her get rid of it.  She was that desperate.  We did have several new care assistants this time and I do think she was hiding a good chunk of food until she was caught by a more experienced CA.  The desperation also increased as the meal plan increased.  She gained 30 pounds in the first three days.  She just knew it.  She could feel it.  She was bigger than all the doctors.  She asked every time the doctor rounded if they were going to decrease her meal plan as she was all ready weight restored.  It was nice not to have to be the food police and not be the bad guy.  It was a nice break.  Even though I would have much rather spent it in a hotel and not on a hospital cot.  Then Tuesday came and we were discharged.  After lunch.  This is important because she wanted to leave right after breakfast.  She didn’t want to eat her snack until the doctors came around to tell her she was leaving.  Then she asked them I don’t have to stay for lunch, right? Then lunch came and she asked me if I don’t complete what will happen.  They won’t let you go!  They will tear up the discharge papers and keep you here! I’m not sure this would have happened, but damn it, she was going to eat lunch.  Before they discharged her, they told her that if she came back they would insert a feeding tube so I would be able to continue feeding her at home.  I honestly feel that will happen sooner than later.  That and I need to start calling some treatment places again because this situation is just not working for anyone!