This Crazy Life

The fourth time my daughter was in the hospital (the first time after residential) they told her if she had to come back again, they would put in a feeding tube so I could make sure she was getting enough nutrition at home.  Well that time came.  We went back to the hospital.  And a feeding tube was inserted.  One of us had to do it since the plan was to go home with it.  So, she did it.  By herself.  Because I can’t see her without her mask.  She inserted it and I sat there turned away listening to the moans and groans.  It was awful.  She then continued to complete in the hospital using supplements and we didn’t have to use the feeding tube.  She also told me when we got home that she managed to hide food in the hospital again.  Anyway, her outpatient team had asked me if I thought she would let me use the tube at home.  I honestly had never thought about this.  I assumed she would eat; what she couldn’t eat or supplement I would feed her through the tube.  Boy was I wrong.  So far, she has continued to not eat enough at home and has completely refused me supplementing her.  I’m sure I could have her dad restrain her and I could get it down, but I don’t think our team would approve of that “torture”.  So thus far, the feeding tube has not accomplished anything other than her complaining about it nonstop.  She 100% does not want to go back to residential but I have no idea what other choice she is leaving me with.  I hate to do it.  It makes me feel all sorts of guilt.  But I don’t know what else I can do.  She knows it’s a very real possibility and she’s going to eat more.  But eating more never happens.