This Crazy Life

Vacations have always been our thing.  I love to go, I love to see, I love to do.  The girls have definitely been bitten by the travel bug as well.  However, the past 18 months it has been impossible to travel thanks to an eating disorder.  We have finally made progress the past 3ish month in that someone else can help take care of my daughter with an ED.  Is it perfect, no.  But does it give me a break, YES!  So my other two daughters asked me earlier this year if for their birthdays instead of presents or a party, if they could take a couple of friends on a vacation.  I instantly said yes, and we got to planning!  My oldest daughter picked two friends, my youngest sister and my mom to go with us on her vacation.  We went to Colorado.  We white water rafted, hiked and jeeped in Rocky Mountain National Park and spent a night in a haunted room at the Stanley Hotel where we did a ghost tour and stayed up late ghost hunting.  We had a lot of fun, and it was a perfect break.  My sick daughter stepped down from residential this week, so her dad went down to start PHP with her.  It was not perfect, but it was ok.  She never complained about not being able to go.  Fast forward to her twin sister’s trip.  She was very distraught as she was missing her birthday trip.  I told her no; this is your sister’s birthday trip.  You can pick your own trip.  That still didn’t convince her.  She even told me once that I knew if she wasn’t sick, they would be going on this trip together.  And that could be right, but odds are if she wasn’t sick, we wouldn’t even be doing these trips as we would be doing family vacations instead.  But I didn’t tell her that.  She did tell me she had no friends to take on a trip and I told her that was her eating disorder’s fault.  No one else.  It has tried to isolate you, so you were only stuck with it.  That’s why you must want recovery.  No thanks, she’ll stick with the eating disorder.  It’s her comfortable, safe spot.  So, the second trip was to Hawaii with my daughter and two of her friends.  I am here now, enjoying the beach on my balcony getting ready to go swimming with sharks.  We have had a blast.  We’ve snorkeled with sea turtles, we’ve parasailed, we did an open-door helicopter tour of the island.  We’re winding down our days and only have the shark swim, a luau and surf lessons left to do.  Well, that and lots of beach time.  Every time I talk to my sick daughter, she says she wishes she was there.  I tell her she could be here!  But she has to eat.  She wants to snorkel with sea turtles, but she’ll wear a long sleeve shirt and sweatpants to swim in the ocean.  I honestly was pretty depressed the first day.  Here are these 3 girls in swimsuits without a care in the world.  I honestly can’t picture my daughter ever being this comfortable in her own skin.  The sight of herself and others in swimsuits will trigger her and make it so hard to eat.  It’s sad to say the least.  While I want her to get better and to live life again will I ever stop watching her.  Will I ever feel comfortable that she’s actually going to be ok.  Will she ever actually be ok?