This Crazy Life

Today she had her first day off from PHP.  This was to see how she would cope with eating at home.  She was also supposed to stay out of the kitchen while I prepared meals and snacks.  I knew this was going to be hard for her eating disorder as it likes to be in complete control.  We had set a reward for completing all meals and staying out of the kitchen.  If she could do it she would get another pass on Saturday, her birthday, and we could go get her nails done.  When I told her this she started negotiating immediately.  She wanted to do it today.  She wanted to do it after lunch if she did good with breakfast and lunch.  She then got upset and locked herself in her room.  So we started off smashing!  Keeping her out of the kitchen was hard.  She wanted to make sure I used the right bread.  She couldn’t stand it when I was adding cream cheese to the bread and had to take over.  We still struggled with crumbing.  Then came dinner.  I knew she wasn’t going to eat it.  She wasn’t concerned when I was in the kitchen cooking it.  But then instead of supplementing she got a cliff bar and ate that instead.  It just makes me so frustrated.  I just don’t know how we’re ever going to beat this.  She won’t even try.  She doesn’t want to get better.  I’m tired.  I’m exhausted.  I don’t know how we’re going to go home and do this all day every day.  But if I even show a hint of weakness, I know the eating disorder will take more control instantly.  How do you stay strong day in and day out.  How do you not get tired of fighting.  6 meals a day 7 days a week.  Ugh.