This Crazy Life

Birthdays are hard.  I think all holidays are probably hard, but yesterday was her birthday so that’s fresh in my mind.  First, she was upset she didn’t get a pass on her birthday.  The pass 2 days before did not go the best, so it makes sense to me they didn’t think a pass was in her best interest.  The night before she told me she wasn’t going.  She hates her team.  She hates treatment.  She’s done with it all.  She just wants to go home.  She wants to see her sister on her birthday.  Which I did try to get her sister to come down, but she really didn’t want to.  I of course didn’t tell her that.  I just told her it didn’t work out. 

Well, I did manage to get her to programming.  While she was gone, I went and bought a cookie cake, candles and a lighter.  I had told her we were having cookie cake for evening snack.  Her and her twin sister have never been big cake eaters, so cookie cakes or ice cream cake were what they regularly chose for their birthdays. 

So, I picked her up from programming.  It’s over at 4 on Saturdays.  I had surprised her and made her a nail apt.  She didn’t earn this, but this was a present for her birthday.  She was happy.  We got a pedicure and her nails done.  Afterwards she told me they kept rubbing olive oil on her and she didn’t need to eat because she was sure she had gained tons of weight from that.  She went to the sink and scrubbed and scrubbed her hands.  I told her it was cuticle oil, and it didn’t have calories and she wouldn’t absorb it through her skin.  She was not convinced.  We got home and I started dinner.  She had picked what she wanted since it was her birthday.  I was trying to make life normal.  She wanted a chicken sausage.  Kind of like a brat, but chicken.  So, I got one out and put it in the toaster oven.  She came and threw it away and proceeded to get out her own chicken sausage and then made her dinner.  She would not eat anything that I touched.  I have no idea why as we had worked on this on the pass day, and I was at least doing some of the preparation.  I really think just her birthday had her on edge. 

Then she found the cookie cake while I was in the bathroom.  She told me she destroyed it.  I checked the trash.  It waws not in there.  I could not find it anywhere.  She had admitted to hiding it.  After much coaxing I got her to retrieve it.  I then placed it in front of her with candles and sung her happy birthday.  She did blow at the candles.  This was better than last year.  I cut her a piece.  She immediately trashed it.  I cut her another piece and she trashed it again.  Then she got out her own snack.  I tried to convince her to let it sit there and look at it.  She wouldn’t.  I’m going to try again tonight.  I want the ED to know I’m not scared of it.

She did tell me that is an exposure she needs to do with her team.  She couldn’t do it with me and then be expected to eat breakfast the next morning with me.  She needed them to help her cope.  I asked her how she thought she was ready to go home then.  How she was going to eat every meal and snack with me.  It was going to be different.  Because she doesn’t want to get better here.  She’s not doing it because her team wants her to.  It’ll be different at home.  I don’t believe it.