This Crazy Life

Lately I’ve been feeling very defeated.  We’ve been fighting this monster for so long and we are nowhere near even having some compliance.  Every meal is a fight.  Every snack is a fight.  Taking meds is a fight.  Her current team at McCallum Place wants to start thinking about discharge.  Possibly in December.  I know she can’t stay in treatment forever.  But I honestly know we are not anywhere close to being successful.  We also talked about outpatient team.  Do we piece together our own team or do we go back to Children’s Mercy outpatient team.  I’ve put a lot of thought into this.  I’ve been making a pros and cons list.  Having a team was nice they can collaborate and coordinate within their own practice.  They take insurance.  We can schedule appointments all together.  The cons.  I am not a big fan of theirs, I think they push higher level of care too quickly, my daughter did not click with them at all and I would like to have someone helpful for her that she can work with and work to get better.  My gut just doesn’t think they are right fit.  I decided before I had to make a decision, I should start making some phone calls to see if I can even find anything else.  So I started calling therapists.  Right now, I have a couple of leads, but nothing definite.  Several won’t take her based on age alone and some are full and aren’t taking new patients.  And no one even knows about her yet, what if she’s too much for them, what if they are going to go straight to a higher level of care recommendation.  I was talking to her therapist yesterday about my thoughts.  Children’s has already been pushing McCallum to step her up to a higher level of care.  They do not think that’s what she needs, I don’t think that’s what she needs.  So, I’m cutting them off.  I’ll find someone else.  I’m sure of it. I don’t want to be shoved back to residential again.  Someday, yes, she may need it.  Not today.  She’s been in constant treatment for 10 of the last 12 months, not counting outpatient.  In patient, residential or PHP.  I’m nervous.  If I need the hospital that’s the hospital, I will take her too.  But I have to do what I think is best for her.  And I don’t think it’s them.  I don’t think it’s residential.  I honestly think she’s going to be fighting this for the rest of her life.  I have to figure out a way for my entire family to live with it.  I’m working on that, but it’s hard.  Like I told my therapist you can’t give the ED an inch or it will take a mile.  So, I can’t let up on it.  But I have to live.