This Crazy Life

We’re getting ready to step down from 10 hour to PHP to 6-hour PHP.  She’s been in 10-hour since the beginning of August when she stepped down from residential.  Am I excited?  No.  Am I nervous?  No.  Am I hopeful?  Also, No.  I have no hope, I’m expecting nothing and I’m thinking about taking bets on when we’ll end up back in the hospital.  Anyway, with 6-hour days, comes dinner at home.  10-hour days you have breakfast and HS snack at home.  6 hours you have breakfast, dinner and HS snack.  Remember, we’re still not eating breakfast at home.  We’ve chosen to totally skip that meal since I’ve been plating it and serving it to her.  The few dinner passes we’ve had have gone most of the same.  I’m not sure she’s completed a dinner and/or supplemented actually.  Sometimes she’ll eat some.  We also want to get her eating with the entire family, something that hasn’t happened until early 2021.  So now for the story.  Last night she had a dinner pass.  Her twin sister was home to eat with us.  I got her food served.  Back up, Tuesday I met with my daughter and her dietician.  We planned a dinner pass, what she wanted to eat and how we could make it successful.  So, Thursday night, I gave her the plate of her food.  She started smearing and pushing it around her plate.  She would eat some, she would try to hide some, the rest of us sat down to eat as well.  She finished the part she was going to eat.  I told her I would supplement her as soon as I was done.  Then her sister is done eating so she gets up and scrapes her plate and puts it in the dishwasher.  Well, this causes her to completely shut down.  She gets up and leaves the room.  This was actually discussed in our meeting Tuesday.  She could step a way for a couple of minutes to regroup.  So, we let her.  I used this time to talk to her sister about not doing that again and even if she had to pretend to still be eating, she needed to do that until we are all done.  For whatever reason she took this personal as if we were attacking her, declared she was never eating with us again and stormed off and locked herself in her room for the rest of the night.  So, then I went to my other daughter to try to get her to come in and complete her supplement.  Nope.  Not happening.  So, then I went to clean up the kitchen.  She had made a big deal of eating ½ her salad and 2 out of 3 pieces of chicken.  So, I checked her salad.  The piece of chicken she “ate” was hiding under the salad.  She didn’t eat it.  So even more she got mad she was hiding food.  She was lying about what she ate.  I don’t know how we’re going to do this every night.  The tension in my house is so high.  It’s so upsetting and frustrating and a million more words I can’t even express.  All I want is my family back.  This eating disorder has not only tormented my daughter and taken so much from her, but it’s torment4ed our entire family and taken so much from all of us.  Time with my kids I can never get back and time of the girls’ childhood they can never get back.  When I become rich and famous, I’m going to dedicate my life’s work to working with eating disorders.  Looking for a cure.  Helping families cope and work through the issues.  I don’t know what yet, but I wish no one ever had to go through this hell.  And in spell checking I realize I use so a lot.  But I’m not fixing it.  Sorry!