This Crazy Life

I’m not sick enough, I’ve never been not sick enough.  I guess I will just have to get sicker.  Those were her words late last night (I guess technically early this morning since it was 2 in the morning).  She passed out yesterday (I didn’t see this, she told me she did) and didn’t feel good and wanted to go to the emergency room.  I really didn’t want to take her at 10pm on New Year’s Eve.  But then I realized I didn’t want to spend New Year’s Day at the hospital either and if something happened to her, I would feel really bad.  So, we went.  Labs were fine.  They gave her some fluids and sent us home.  Oddly enough when I was reviewing the paperwork on the way home, they didn’t test blood sugar, which is always low when she comes in and a reason why she usually gets admitted.  They also didn’t do orthostatic vitals.  While I was happy, we got to come home, she was mad.  Furious in fact.  She was already planning and scheming.  She’s still not eating, and she was going to drink at least until Wednesday (we see her dietician Thursday and her therapist Friday – she wants to go to these appointments).  Then she was going to be done drinking.  This morning she text me she changed her mind; she’s done eating and drinking now.  No More.  She also wants to go back to PHP at McCallum.  They don’t want her back.  I asked her what she thought would be different.  She’ll get better this time. She won’t get sick again.  Do you believe this?  Because I sure don’t.  I don’t think more treatment is the answer.  She was in treatment for 10 months of 2022.  And we are still at ground zero.  What is the answer, I have no idea.  No one has any idea.  I do hate going to the hospital.  I feel so judged.  Actually, I feel judged by everyone.  Why can’t I even take care of my own daughter.  I’m sure everyone else thinks they could do it better.  It just sucks.  It all just sucks.  I imagined just driving my car into a tree last night when it was just her and me in it.  But I could never do it.  But man, sometimes I wish I could.