This Crazy Life

What do you do when your heart and your gut are in a constant state of disagreement.  She’s lost more weight.  The eating disorder is getting stronger.  You can tell.  Her quality of life is shit.  But she’s home.  And she’s so much happier at home than anywhere else.  My gut says it’s time to look at other options again.  I keep repeating the only way to recovery is through it, and the faster you can get through it, the better.  But then my heart says that hasn’t worked, and even though your family is completely destroyed, you are all under one roof.  Maybe time can heal the wounds.  But then my gut says she’s not going to get better at residential either.  It’s just sending her away again for what?  Fun?  I really wish I knew what would work for her, because my gut says nothing ever will and this will kill her.  I don’t imagine she’ll ever drive, she’ll never graduate high school, she’ll never going to college.  I hope beyond hope that I am wrong, but it’s so hard to imagine her coming around when we’ve tried so much and so hard already.  I am hopeful that medical technology and research will continue to advance at rapid paces and we’ll find something that works for these very severe kids.  And if I can just keep her alive until then.  But then at the same times the trenches in her brain are just getting dug deeper and deeper and the eating disorder is taking over more and more.  But how do I change that?  How do I counteract that?  We met with her dietician yesterday.  I didn’t sleep much the night before as I knew her weight was down and I knew this wasn’t going to be a fun conversation.  So, we talked a bit, then I presented my first idea.  I take over food.  We would set a calorie target, I would use safe foods, she could watch me prepare everything, but then I was going to watch and make sure everything was completed.  This resulted in her slamming my laptop shut, throwing things on the ground and lots of bad words yelled at she stormed out of the room.  I picked up my computer and got back into the meeting and continued on.  I didn’t even get to present idea 2.  So while I continued our session, she came back down the stairs and told me she would just stop eating if that’s what I was going to do and I should call residential places now as that was never happening.  I told her that’s why you can’t just storm up, come back and sit down and help us brainstorm other ideas because what we are doing isn’t working.  No.  So I told her my other idea, we go back and try some meds to help take the edge off.  I am not trying meds, I am not doing meds, they do not work, I am happier without them.  So, Jess and I talked some more.  She decided me taking over food was not a good idea and would not work based on her reaction and what we’ve seen in the past.  We told her she has one more week.  One more week and if she loses any weight then next week she has to show me every meal and snack before she starts eating it so I can see that she’s really eating what she says she is and I can help add calories as needed.  It’s definitely not what I wanted.  But this entire situation isn’t what I want.  When she was yelling that I might as well send her back to residential now she said and residential won’t work.   I’ll eat there, they’ll make me gain weight, but then I’m only going to come home even more determined to get the weight off.  Residential does not work for me.  Why does no one prepare you for how hard an eating disorder can be.  This is not the shit I read about in high school.