This Crazy Life

You know what’s not socially acceptable?  Hating your child.  Thinking in your head multiple times of day how much you hate them.  Yes, I know it’s the eating disorder.  Yes, I know it’s not her.  Yes, I know she’s very sick.  But sometimes, and by sometimes I mean multiple times a day, I can only mutter to myself how much I hate her.  This disease has become so much a part of who she is.  It’s really hard to separate the two.  Then I worry, what if someday she does get better, will I be able to repair our relationship?  Will I ever be able to look at her the same again.  Even after all the rude and hateful comments she makes.  After everything she’s put our family though.  Then I worry, if I feel this way, as her mother, as a grown adult, how can her sisters feel?  How can they ever possibly repair their relationship when I’m worried about if I can fix mine.  And she’s my own daughter.  It’s hard.  And it’s another one of those things no one prepares you about.  There’s not a manual about hating your child and how to get over it.  Even though there probably should be.   I know I can’t be the only one that feels this way.  But when it’s so socially unacceptable to talk about hating your own child, no one talks about it.  And if you are the first one you know you are going to be judged.  Harshly.  By the people that say, do you know about FBT.  Why yes, I do know about FBT.  It’s the gold standard, it’s the only approved treatment.  Well do you know what.  It doesn’t work for everyone.  Not everyone recovers with FBT.  In fact, not everyone recovers at all.  But we don’t want to talk about that.  We just want to judge other mothers that are doing the best they can.  Even if the best they can is hating their own child.