This Crazy Life

We lost a pound last week.  This was our biggest loss yet.  And yes, it is plural b/c I feel it even more than she does I’m certain.  This puts us down 4.5 pounds in 10ish weeks.  For us, this isn’t awful.  It’s really not bad.  A pound in a week is scary though.  Is she actually eating what she’s supposed to.  Is she exercising more.  Is she hiding food.  I have lots of thoughts in my head.  I’m waiting to worry about them until we weigh in again this Friday.  Well, that’s what I tell myself.  Then I start freaking.  4.5 pounds may not be awful, but we’re down 26 pounds from her all-time high in November.  When we still weren’t any better.  We weren’t seeing the thoughts lessen.  We weren’t seeing behaviors improve.  We didn’t see meal compliance.  And now we are 26 pounds down from that.  In 5 months.  And that concerns me.  But what do I do about it?  That’s what I don’t know.  I got an email from a localish PHP this week about them having an opening.  They had turned her down in February because she needed a higher level of care.  I don’t think she would qualify for PHP at this point either.  But then I wonder, if she did if that would it help?  At all?  She still swears treatment has only made her worse and she can keep on doing this at home.  But we’re not actually doing anything at home.  We’re not even maintaining.  All we’re really doing is not dying.  Which is good I know.  I don’t even know what to want or hope for at this point.  And really there wasn’t much point to this post other than a brain dump.  But I think sometimes that is good.  Sometimes that is needed.