This Crazy Life

So residential round 3 is inevitable at this point.  I think I’ve decided on Laurette unless the wait is just too long or they won’t take her.  Which I’m always afraid could be the case.  Clementine in St. Louis does not currently have a wait, it’s my second choice and I have to get some medical clearance forms completed, but hopefully Laurette calls me today with a general timeline.  She hasn’t eaten since we left the hospital and hasn’t had a drink of water since Friday.  All the weight the hospital put on her is gone.  I honestly don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how I’m going to keep her alive until we can get her someplace.  I don’t want to go back to the hospital less than a week later.  Why is this so hard.  We’re supposed to go on a family vacation to Montana in 2 weeks from today.  She was going to go was the original plan.  Now I hope I can have her in residential before we leave.  Or stable.  And safe.  What if she’s in the hospital.  I’m not sure both parents can leave the state.  Do I send Dad with the other girls?  Do I join them as soon as I can?  I don’t even know.  And it’s just adding to the stress.  I’m out the money whether we go or not I guess, but I would like the experience, and my kids need a family vacation.  They need normalcy.  They need a break from anorexia and the life it has thrown us all into.  How can one little body withstand so much abuse.  She’s skin and bones.  How are we still fighting for life and death at this point.  It’s not even about the food.  I’m not fighting over meals.  I’m fighting over taking a drink of damn water.  But the water has oil in it.  She can’t do it.  Last night she gained weight from the smell of dinner coming up to her room.  Last night I had problems falling asleep.  And then staying asleep.  I wanted to take some meds to help with sleep but then I didn’t want to be groggy today as I have things I need to accomplish.  But what I really need is a plan.  A plan for next steps, a timeline, anything.  So for now I just sit here and wait stewing in stress and anxiety.  I had a dream last night that I had my tonsils removed.  I had my tonsils removed when I was 19.  I’m 41.