This Crazy Life

I feel like I could be Shakespeare.  We’re looking for residential options.  Her dietician and I agree that someplace smaller and has the option to do more individualized treatment plan would benefit her.  Some where that can meet her on her level and work with her.  As opposed to the ERCs of the world that have become so big and corporate they streamline the process.  She found another interesting choice for me to look at, Selah House in Indiana.  So, I called them and started the process.  Then I researched them more.  They work on mild to moderate eating disorders.  I don’t think they’ll take her, but even if they do, the problem is they won’t tube.  If you restrict enough, they recommend a hospital or moving to a different treatment center.  So, I asked my daughter.  Do you think you can eat at a treatment center that you know they can’t tube.  She was silent.  I knew the answer I could tell.  I said it’s ok, that won’t work will it, she said no.  If they don’t tube, she can’t eat.  She has no reason she has to eat.  Unfortunately, I think that’s going to be the problem with smaller more intimate facilities.  They may be able to help her in different and better ways treatment wise.  But if she can’t eat without the threat of a tube, it’s not going to work because she has to be able to eat or we’re going to be looking for a new treatment center within days.  Frustrating.  It also got me thinking about her time in the hospital.  I’m a water drinker.  I drink water all day.  I don’t track it or measure it, but I have it with me and I drink when I’m thirsty.  She has a fluid goal at the hospital.  As soon as she meets it, she’s done.  No more.  She won’t even let them fill her water cup back up.  I’m sure so she can’t take an accidental sip.  That and the page of numbers and additions I found on the back of a piece of paper.  Every little thing still gets completely scrutinized and she’s trying to track what she’s eating down to the last single calorie.  Why is this disease so awful?   When will it ever end?