This Crazy Life

And for some reason it’s really stressing me out.  We weren’t going to do PHP this time.  I honestly didn’t want to waste the time, energy, money, etc.  But then when she said she wanted to recover I thought it would be good.  I’m honestly already regretting it.  My stress level is high.  Her stress level is high.  I’m thinking about talking to them and letting them know this has to be short term.  It’s not going to work.  For my sanity and the sanity of my other kids, this can’t continue indefinitely.  Is that awful?  Probably.  Do I care?  Not really.  At this point in the game I have to protect all of us.  Myself included.  She’s not my only kid.  And my other kids need a “happy” mom too.  I’m not even sure what happy means at this point, that’s why it’s in quotes.  Because a mom that doesn’t just snap at every little thing.  That is present.  That cares.  My kids deserve that and I’m not even sure I have that in me at this point.  One of my kids currently hates my guts.  I am positive.  I don’t know why.  Or what I did.  And I really don’t even have the energy to care.  And that makes me sad.  But we’ll settle into a new routine.  It just can’t last forever.  It can’t.  Then we’ll manage at home for a while.  And then we’ll go from there.  She wore shorts last night.  She hasn’t done that for over 2.5 years.  She’s also worn leggings.  So, I do think she’s currently comfortable in her skin.  Or more comfortable than she has been.  Which is new.  While not at her highest weight, she’s also not at her lowest weight.  So maybe we can find a balance.  A balance where the eating disorder lives, and she does too?  Is that even possible?  Some people would tell you no.  But the more I read I think it is.  Is it what I want for her?  No.  Absolutely not.  But sometimes what you want has to change and evolve.