This Crazy Life

I always said that once she wanted to recover it was still going to be a struggle.  I know this.  I’ve always known this.  But knowing it and living through it are 2 different things.  She’s really struggling.  I’m really struggling.  I don’t know how to help.  She’s convinced we are messing with her food again.  We aren’t.  She wants a fridge in her room.  We aren’t doing that.  It’s just a downhill slide for restriction.  She wants to carry her food on her person.  To school.  And everywhere she goes.  I tell her that’s not “normal” and you want to be “normal”.  I know it’s hard, but you have to fight through it.  A couple of days of eating the food and fighting through it and you’ll see nothing happens.  You don’t gain 50 pounds and maybe then you’ll understand no one is messing with your food.  I don’t know.  It sounds good in my head.  But can we get there.  Or is she going to stop eating?  Everyday my biggest fear is that she stops eating.  I try to keep reminding her everything she’s eating for now.  Heck, we’re going to an orthodontist for a consult this afternoon to see about getting her braces again.  But I’m only doing this if she’s staying home.  I’m not doing braces across the country again.  We’ve done that before and have not been successful.   So, I don’t know.  I’m trying.  She’s trying.  She doesn’t want to see an outpatient team.  She doesn’t want to join a support group.  She doesn’t want to do IOP.  I just feel like we’re backing ourselves into a corner again and I don’t like that feeling either.  I don’t think residential is the answer, at this point.  She’s got to eat at home.  We’ve got to work through the hard and messy parts at home.  But when she stops eating, I don’t know what else to do.  I just wish I could wave my magic wand and help her.