This Crazy Life

Hospital stay #13 just happened.  It was a snowball of restriction I couldn’t stop.  I knew it was coming.  I knew the ED thoughts were taking over.  I didn’t realize how much she was restricting.  And then it all stopped and she couldn’t eat or drink anymore.  She had to lose weight.  She had to be sick again.  She passed out and needed the hospital.  And then she’ll eat and drink at the hospital.  It makes zero sense to me and is so frustrating.  I’m so over this disease.  I’m over it controlling every aspect of my life.  I came home from the hospital sick so I’m sure that’s not helping.  At all.  But dang it.  I thought she was doing good.  She was in school.  She was engaging.  She’s actually trying.  I can see her trying.  But this monster is so strong and she won’t let anyone help her at all.  I was hopeful that after the hospital we could make some more forward progress.  But we aren’t.  She’s in deep again.  My daughter is gone.  I had a glimpse of her for a few weeks.  I’ll forever be thankful for that.  But it’s all ED now.  Everything is adding calories.  She can’t do anything.  I just hope we can make it to the doctor on Monday so I can figure out what she thinks I should do next.