This Crazy Life

I’m doing ok.  Well I was doing ok.  When I titled this and started writing.  Now, I’m not really sure.  My thoughts were just confirmed.  She’ll be in residential for Christmas.  While really I knew that was the reality, until someone told me that is more than likely the case I think I was pretending that maybe she would be home.  But she won’t be.  This will be the 2^nd Christmas she spends in residential.   And this time feels worse.  The first time I still thought maybe she would get better.  Now I don’t even have that hope.  Back to what I was going to dump about.  She’s safe.  She’s safe.  That’s what I’ve been telling everyone when they ask how she’s doing.  Of course with it just being Thanksgiving you see more people than normal and everyone asks about her.  While I want to scream how do you think she is?  She’s 14, away from home, homesick, and doing the scariest thing in the world, eating.  I’ve started responding she’s safe.  I think that is a good answer.  She’s not good, she’s not ok, but she’s not bad either.  She’s safe.  I know she’s being taken care of.  I know she’s safe.  Safe is a good word.  I can say it and it makes me feel better about where she is, because she is safe.  I don’t have to worry about her heart giving out overnight.  I don’t have to worry about if I should take her to the ER today or tomorrow.  Her body is getting a break.  She’s safe.  The acceptance.  Accepting this is reality.  Is it what I want?  No.  Am I going to give up?  Also, no.  But I need to accept this is her reality.  It may be her reality for longer than anyone ever imagined.  But it is her reality and nothing I do can change it, yet.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe in 5 years.  Maybe in 10.  But for now, this is where she is and I have to be ok with it.  Otherwise I will go crazy.