This Crazy Life

Reading my last post I was in a good spot.  I’m currently not.  How was that last post only a weekish ago.  How things can change and go south fast.   Nothing has really changed other than my mind set.  It hit me this weekend that how is it possible that 10 years old would be her last year of normal life.  How was 5^th grade going to be the last year of in person school (and that was a covid year in masks).  How is this life.  How is this fair.  Why is this happening.  Why is she going to fight this forever.  How long can you realistically fight.  I read stories of kids gaining weight and becoming compliant.  Every meal and snack is still a fight.  She’s ready to come home to lose weight.  Nothing has changed.  Are we really going to be stuck in this cycle forever?  For the rest of her life?  How can one person keep doing this over and over.  I’m talking about both her and me here.  This is exhausting.  How can this be either of our lives for the rest of our lives?  Or the rest of her life?  Which brings on the tears all over again.  I wish we could have a bit of a break.  A bit of time to breathe.  But when it’s literally eating and drinking you can’t take days off.  Or your body shuts down.  You can’t just say stopping smoking is too hard, I’m going to smoke for the next couple of weeks then I’ll try again to quit later.  Yes, you may be slowly killing yourself, but you aren’t going to die in a matter of days w/out any water or food consumption.  Again it’s not fair.  I’m trying to keep myself busy.  I’m trying to keep myself distracted.  But the facts are, at the end of the day all of the thoughts and fears are there in my head.  I may try to numb them, but they never go away.  They are as vicious as this disease.  Completely unrelenting.  Last night my oldest daughter was in my room crying.  She’s upset with several things going on in her life and it’s a lot.  I’m trying to help.  I’m trying to make her feel better.  Then my daughter calls.  In tears.  Upset about the food of the day and other events.  So then I get off the phone and break down.  It’s just so much.  It’s honestly too much.