This Crazy Life

We’ve been home for almost a week.  She’s still alive.  So I guess that is promising.  I have no idea what she’s eating.  I’m really struggling with taking on this battle.  I’m exhausted.  I’m tired.  I’m burnt out.  I don’t know how I am supposed to fight every meal and snack 6 times a day.  I do not have it in me.  Maybe she needs a new mom.  Someone that is stronger than I am.  Because I honestly can not do it.  I know people fight longer than this and I have zero clue how they do it.  But I give them all the respect in the world.  Because they are doing it.  They wake up every day and go to battle.  And they are successful in getting their children healthy.  But I am not.  And if something bad happens to her it will 100% my fault.  I know this.  Cognitively I know exactly what I should do.  But I can not do it.  I have myself so convinced it will not work and it will be a fight and things will get broken and I will get punched and she’ll run away.  I can’t go back to that life.  I really wish I could just go back to our old life.  Or maybe back to my old life.  Like high school age and I could do a lot of things differently.