This Crazy Life

How do you know how to describe the emotions you’re feeling.  I certainly don’t know enough emotion words.  At one treatment center they had an emotion wheel I liked.  It started off with the simple emotions then had a more specific list from that.  I think it had 3 off sets.  Then a therapist I worked with for awhile had me download the app How are you feeling?  Like the emotion wheel it starts with a few options and then once you click that it brings you to tons of different emotions.  Having the names definitely helps so you don’t have to think of that from nothing, but even with the names it’s hard to classify your feelings when they can fit into so many categories.  That’s where I’m currently at.  I’m blah.  I have zero motivation, zero zest for life, zero energy, but I don’t think I’m depressed.  Or maybe I am.  Again, I really don’t know.  I do know I got into a psychiatrist today and we are going to change my meds to see if they can help more.  I’m hopeful.  Because my daughter isn’t going to be improving anytime soon.  We’re all ready on that downhill slide.  Anytime I try to help her she only pushes me away more.  She doesn’t trust me, and I have no idea what she’s consuming.  Other than I am 100% certain it is not enough.  Do I take her back to PHP?  I think this makes my mental health worse because it creates a greater divide between me and my husband and my other kids.  They get used to not having mom around and I get used to being alone.  This is a really hard habit to come out of.  Especially when it happens so frequently.  Then you add that to the fact that I feel completely hopeless.  What is PHP going to help?  Nothing.  What does PHP hurt?  A lot.  Last night, when my feelings are most heightened, I spent time reading about connecting with your teenagers.  Reconnecting with your spouse.  How do you know when someone’s heart will just give out.  I just feel like it’s one problem on top of another constantly and I have the entire world on my shoulders.  Then that makes me want to just lay in bed and do nothing at all.  Except maybe pet my dog.