This Crazy Life

I feel like a broken record.  Or I’m reliving Groundhog’s Day over and over again.  She’s eating.  She’s not eating enough.  No one else really seems to care about that.  And I don’t know how much to push for fear of pushing too far and her stopping eating all together.  Yesterday we had an apt with her new therapist.  15 minutes late she’s finally ready.  Then she’s on the verge of a panic attack in my car as I am pulling out of the driveway.  My car is too dirty.  She can’t do this.  She needs to get out.  So she gets out of my car.  So I stop, I’m going to turn around and go home.  Then she’s concerned about what I’m going to tell him.  I said I’m going to tell him you couldn’t make it.  Well she can go.  She just needs Clorox wipes and we need to take my mom’s car because it’s cleaner (note my car is not dirty she just believes her sister has eaten in it and those calories are still there waiting to attack her).  So we pull out of the driveway with 15 minutes to make it to an apt an hour away (I can do it in 50 mins if I push it and if traffic cooperates).  I figure we’ll go and try and see what they say.  Her therapist calls when we’re still about 20 minutes away to check on her.  I told him we are on the way but we’re going to be late and if he would still be able to see her.  He said he could.  So we continued on.  35 minutes after her apt was supposed to start we are there.  She gets back and he still keeps her for an hour.   To say that I wasn’t majorly appreciative would be an understatement.  Then we stop at Target on the way home to grab a few things.  She can’t get anything because she just can’t.  Except for 3 more containers of Clorox wipes.  She’s now going through a container a day.  But then last night she’s telling me all I ever do is see her struggles.  I don’t tell her how proud of her I am for what she is doing.  She feels she’s doing better.  She thinks things are getting easier.  From my viewpoint she’s doing worse and things are getting harder.  I’m not sure how are feelings are so off from each other.  Usually we are much closer together in our views.  So for now we’ll see what tomorrow brings.  Every day is a new day.  But I hate that this disease is stopping her ability to live.  She’s literally a prisoner to it as she’s so fearful of gaining weight.  Even in ways that aren’t possible.