This Crazy Life

It’s been a while.  I haven’t really had many feelings (maybe the new meds are working too good).  We are in the same place.  She’s struggling.  The fear of food is intense.  She wanted me to help her strip her bed earlier this week so she could wash her sheets.  I can touch dirty laundry.  However, she was in her bathroom scrubbing in before she could touch it.  So, I sat on her floor by the door, so I didn’t accidentally touch anything I wasn’t supposed to.  Well, an alleged Dorito crumb fell off my foot.  This thing was miniscule.  I picked it up and threw it away.  Instant tears.  She can’t do that.  I am not allowed in her room.  She had to disinfect and sanitize everything.  This is all over a crumb that was maybe the size of a staple.  That’s the smallest thing I can come up w/ right now. They’ve been measuring her heart rate and talking through a meal, her heart rate starts jumping immediately.  Her doctor said it’s like she’s being chased by a bear before she even takes the first bite.  She wants to try to help calm that down before we start pushing for much more food.  I just hope she’s still stable.  I really don’t see how she can, and how she’s not losing weight.  But I’m just trying to let the professionals help her and I assist wherever I can.  Then I worry I’m enabling it by buying her cleaning supplies and gloves.  Just like when I would buy her food.  But I really don’t know how to stop that w/out her completely shutting down.  We go to the doctor again tomorrow so I’m going to ask her opinion as I really like her.  Until then, I just hang out and let her be.  She survived me taking her sister to Myrtle Beach for a cheer competition.  Last year during the end of season cheer comp she stopped eating and drinking.  We ended up coming home a day early and I took her to the emergency room.  So at least this was better.  But it’s still hard not to worry and think about her all the freaking time.