This Crazy Life

School starts next Tuesday.  It seems like this summer was nonexistent.  Looking back, I remember we started our hospital journey before school was even out for the summer.  So I spent a month and a half actually in the hospital.  Let alone the time recovering at home, doctor’s appts, etc, means this summer really was non-existent for me.  My oldest daughter turned 17.  My summers are limited.  It hurst to feel like I’ve wasted so much time with my “healthy” kids.  With my “normal” kids.  But I’m honestly not sure what the other options are.  Someone has to make sure my child is eating.  Someone has to get her to doctor appts.  Someone has to be there.  I’ve been getting better about asking their dad and my mom to help.  But everyone still just wants mom.  Then I feel like I get pulled in a million different directions and never get a break.  I’m currently sitting in a Panera working while one of my daughters is back to school shopping with friends.  She wanted to go shopping.  I have a lot of work to do.  So this was a good compromise.  She didn’t want me to go shopping with her necessarily.  She’s only 15 so she needs a ride.  So I brought her and her friends.  She’ll remember I was here for her, and I’m still getting work done, just in a different location.  I’m trying to say yes more.  I’m trying not to be the tired, depressed, anxious mom that has been isolating herself in her room.  I’m trying to pull myself out of my hole.  It was fun listening to them talk about classes, and friends, and boys, and things they’ve done this summer.  They start high school next week.  It’s a big year for them.  It was fun to be around kids that are “thriving,” whatever that may look like.  Whereas my other daughter had a Dexa bone scan today and she couldn’t take off her necklace or earrings b/c then she had no where safe to put them and then she wouldn’t be able to touch them again and, and, and.  The tech told her it was ok and they would work around them.  Those are the kind of conversations I’ve been having all summer.  By the time I’m done w/ them, I’m done w/ conversations in general.  So I meet w/ a new therapist this weekend.  Maybe she can help me find more space to do things I enjoy.