This Crazy Life

A lot of my depression comes from feeling like I’ve lost my family.  We are not the same as we were pre anorexia.  We used to be fun.  We used to have fun.  We used to enjoy each others’ company.  Now I’m not sure any of those statements are true.  I’ve talked to my therapist about it several times.  Last session she told me something that’s made me think.  A lot.  How do you know what your family would have been like if anorexia never happened.  And I realized that is very true, but I still think it would be much better than it currently is.  Until I realized, maybe not.  I had a very normal childhood.  I considered it a happy childhood.  There were the random events, but nothing that stands out to me as major earth shattering.  My parents divorced when I was in 7thish grade I believe.  My mom remarried when I was 15 and I had to move a few towns away, halfway through high school.  This at the time I hated, and I refused to attend their wedding because of it.  Moving was hard.  Very hard.  I was shy.  I remember sitting in the bathroom for several lunch periods.  Finally I made friends and found my way.  It was fine.  However, when we moved here my parents (mom and stepdad) bought land in the country with the intentions of building.  On the property was a single wide trailer and small one bedroom house.  My mom, stepdad and youngest sister moved into the trailer.  My 14 year old sister and I moved into the house.  At this point forward I really don’t remember family meals, I honestly don’t remember what the inside of the trailer looked like at all so I know I wasn’t in there that often.  I remember what our house looked like.  I also know we got an allowance every month to buy bathroom items, cleaning items, food, etc.  I know we cleaned it and did our own laundry.  I’m not sure my mom was ever really down there either.  Long way of saying.  Teenagers are different anyway.  Just because you were a close family when you were younger does not mean you will be when your kids are teenagers.  I don’t remember family meals in high school.  From the time I was in high school until college graduation I think we went on 3 or 4 family vacations together.  And I’m not sure my oldest sister went on 1 of those.  But I still feel happy about my childhood.  I’m still close to my mom.  I’m still close to my sisters.  So maybe my kids really will be ok too and I’m not screwing them up nearly as bad as I feel like I am.  I guess only time or a crystal ball will tell.