This Crazy Life

People have been recommending a higher level of care.  Her OCD therapists for awhile now, the other doctor in the practice and now her primary care doctor has mentioned it.  Rogers is where we’ve talked about.  I looked at Rogers 4 years ago and then went with Veritas.  I know they are a good program, and I know they have a strong combination program for both ED and OCD.  My heart breaks just thinking about it.  My brain says I should do it just to give it another try at something different.  And maybe she can have a life back and live instead of simply existing.  But my gut.  My gut says no.  And I don’t know why.  And I don’t know how to get over it.  In fact, it’s really stressing me out.  I can ignore my heart.  Because that’s just my mom heart and the thought of sending your baby away is a lot.  But it’s really, really hard for me to ignore my gut.  I wish it could tell me why it feels this way and what I’m thinking is wrong?  Is this not the best fit for her?  Granted I haven’t talked to anyone but a beginning admission screen (and they might not even take her).  Is this going to be a super traumatic experience.  20 years from now will she be in therapy because of things that happened at treatment?  But will she be alive in 20 years if she doesn’t go to treatment?  I wish these decisions weren’t so hard.  I wish you could know that treatment would work.  Currently she’s living on perfect bars.  And she’s content with that.  She’s still really struggling with laundry and contamination, but we put a washer and dryer into her closet so it’s easier on the rest of the house and her, even though I knew it wouldn’t solve the issue it doesn’t make it tolerable.  For everyone.  And speaking of Rogers and really treatment facilities in general.  Their on-hold message has a statistic.  This may be paraphrased a bit, but you get the point!  “We have a proven track record.  97% of our patients have either improved or remained the same when they leave treatment.”  Like what?  Remained the same what % is that.  A large one, I’m sure.  So, you’re bragging that 3% of your patients actually get worse in your care.  What’s the long-term success rate.  How many go on to recover and stay in recovery for 5+ years and don’t end back up in treatment again?  Those are the numbers I want to know, but no one tracks those.  Once a patient leaves treatment, they don’t have a way to follow up on them.  I think that’s bullCRAP.  But such is the only option we are left with.  Tomorrow, we go for an echo to see how her heart looks.