This Crazy Life

As the years have passed, I’ve matured a lot and I think I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping my emotions in check the last couple of years even.  Side note, did you know it’s a good thing to acknowledge things you’ve done well and to be proud of yourself.  Anyway, of course I still have moments of spiraling but even when they do occur, I find myself catching them sooner and pulling myself out of them earlier.  Not to say it’s been easy, and I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself, but I’m getting better.  I think.  Monday, I felt the spiral.  We’re right at 3.5 months out of the hospital which is our record.  So, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak for a few days now.  I’ve gotten a few texts about knowing we’re doing something to her shampoo or conditioner because it’s burning her skin.  She just knows we’re adding something somewhere.  So, they have been increasing in frequency again, but still manageable.  Well Monday afternoon at work I started getting texts that it was smelling really strong in her room, and she knew her sisters were doing something to her.  She needed me to come home ASAP.  I did.  That really started the pit in my stomach.  She hasn’t needed me to come home to solve something for a long time.  I get home, we manage.  She’s happy I’m home and that’s really all I needed to do.  But the feeling was there.  Then my oldest daughter is in a new relationship.  And they have different expectations of how they want this relationship to be and if things don’t go according to how my daughter wants them she gets upset.  And not crying upset.  But pissed upset and then she’s short and grumpy with everyone in the house.  And it’s not fun.  She’s rude.  She’s mean.  She actually came down the stairs Monday evening with tears in her eyes and a look on her face.  I asked her why she was crying.  I definitely shouldn’t have done that!  But I got I’m not, I’m going for a drive.  And she was gone.  Add to the pit in my stomach.  I don’t like her being grumpy.  I don’t like her being rude.  I don’t like a boy upsetting her days THIS much.  And don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s all the boy by any stretch.  A lot of is lack of communication and different expectations.  He is a good kid.  She’s a good kid.  But it shouldn’t be affecting her like this.  So, the pit grows.  The spiral starts.  I start questioning decisions I’ve recently made with my 2^nd daughter.  Things I’ve let her do or not let her do.  If I’m setting a good example.  She appears to be in a healthy relationship.  But she’s young.  I don’t want to encourage it too much.  But I also want her to talk to me, and I do like the kid.  It’s just so hard being a parent and knowing how to be there best for your kids when they are all so different. And this is my first time being a mom to teenage girls.  I don’t have years of experience.  But anyway, the spiral was growing and growing and growing.  But then it stopped.  I told myself I’m doing the best I can do.  I’m making conscious decisions.  Whether they are the right decisions I am putting thought into them and doing what I think is right for the situation at the time.  That’s all I can do.   And then I had therapy on Tuesday and now I’m all better again.  For today at least.