This Crazy Life

I don’t think anyone can possibly understand how hard I try every day.  How hard I try to make everything work.  How hard I try to make everyone and everything as successful as I can.  How hard I try just to get out of bed in the morning.  I think that is why I’m so currently burnt out and exhausted.  Every day just getting out of bed takes so much energy.  No one sees it.  No one realizes it.  Then work is crazy.  I have crazy big goals.  Home is crazy.  I have crazy big goals.  I’m not even close to reaching my goals.  But just trying and thinking and keeping everyone and everything moving.  Is a lot.  Like thinking about it makes me want to cry and hide in a hole.  What do you do when you’re trying so hard.  But your hardest tries aren’t even denting the surface.  Like no one knows how hard you are trying because your best isn’t even close to good enough.  You just try and try and try and fail.  Try and try and try and turn up short everywhere.  I really don’t know the point of this.  Today I wanted to quit and crawl back into bed, but I didn’t.  But I don’t feel good.  I’m dizzy.  I’m light headed.  My back hurts.  Am I getting sick?  Is it stress?  What if it’s something serious.  I thought maybe going out and going for a walk would be a good decision.  And it did feel good, but then I just got back inside and felt the same way.  Last night I got home and almost threw up.  No idea why but I just felt sick.  How can one person be “sick” for so long.  I was actually imagining a grippy sock vacation the other night.  But then preparing for that seemed overwhelming and I have no idea how life would function without me.  Even on vacation I’m never away from work or my family for days.  I don’t know what they would do without me.   And if I was still alive just away it wouldn’t work.