This Crazy Life

I’m doing ok.  Well I was doing ok.  When I titled this and started writing.  Now, I’m not really sure.  My thoughts were just confirmed.  She’ll be in residential for Christmas.  While really I knew that was the reality, until someone told me that is more than likely the case I think I was pretending…

I went to visit her Saturday.  It actually went pretty good.  She seems in better spirits than in times past.  But it’s also just the first week.  And she also knows she won’t be there forever.  So, I’m sure both of those things help.  But I’m going to take it.  Maybe she’ll stay positive the…

I got her admitted to ERC Denver Thursday.  They admitted her at the inpatient level as it had been over a week since she had any food (or water, but we did take her fluids Monday night/Tuesday morning so she would be safe to get to ERC).  They have a 72-hour blackout period, so I…

She’s going to admit Thursday.  I hope I can keep her stable until Thursday.  She is not good.  Her oil paranoia is so, so, so awful right now.  She can’t do anything.  She can’t leave her room.  She’s going through a bottle of soap a day.  She can’t do this anymore, she told me last…

I’m still waiting to hear back from Denver.  They did call me and say they had completed the evaluation and they thought she needed the residential level of care.  They then proceeded to tell me all about residential and how it works and if I had any questions.  No, this will be her 4th stay…

So, 9 days after discharge we were back in the hospital.  Again.  Low heart rate, upper 30s while awake.  Orthostatic, heart rate jumped from 38 to 160 upon standing.  Low blood pressure, 61/33, at one point.  But other than that, she’s perfectly fine.  Except she’s not and her body is just so tired.  We obviously…

The oil is back.  And it’s everywhere.  She knows she’s gaining weight.  She knows she’s eating more than she’s supposed to.  She knows we’re putting oil on her in her sleep.  She can’t sleep because she doesn’t have enough ways to protect herself from the oil.  It’s like I’m stuck in this world of make…

Hospital stay #13 just happened.  It was a snowball of restriction I couldn’t stop.  I knew it was coming.  I knew the ED thoughts were taking over.  I didn’t realize how much she was restricting.  And then it all stopped and she couldn’t eat or drink anymore.  She had to lose weight.  She had to…

I feel like we are on a roller coaster and I need to get off.  I’m working really hard to stay grounded and not ride the ride with her, but damn is it hard.  Monday we had an ok day at the doctor.  She ate.  Not enough, but she ate.  She maintained her weight.  We’re…

I always said that once she wanted to recover it was still going to be a struggle.  I know this.  I’ve always known this.  But knowing it and living through it are 2 different things.  She’s really struggling.  I’m really struggling.  I don’t know how to help.  She’s convinced we are messing with her food…