This Crazy Life

I went to visit her Saturday.  It actually went pretty good.  She seems in better spirits than in times past.  But it’s also just the first week.  And she also knows she won’t be there forever.  So, I’m sure both of those things help.  But I’m going to take it.  Maybe she’ll stay positive the entire time.  Maybe we’ll make progress.  Maybe she’ll come home, and I can get FBT to work.  Or something.  All I can do is try my best.  I say that to myself typically multiple times a day.  We had our first “family” session with her therapist on Friday.  She was not present.  This is to teach the parents skills and strategies to take care of their child once they are released home.  Which is fine.  But her therapist is young and pretty new and is reading from a script.  I told her we’ve done it multiple times and I know everything they teach.  The problem is implementing it.  It all sounds good in theory, but when your kid just won’t eat, it doesn’t matter what you do.  Even if you load up the meal and put the kid into the car to go to the ER, that doesn’t phase her.  She also knows they aren’t going to admit you after one or two refused meals.   But I guess I’ll play along w/ the therapist and learn everything again.  I don’t know.  I think I would prefer spending these sessions talking about the problems we have, and she could help trouble shoot with out of the box thinking.  But I don’t think she’s experienced enough to do that.  That’s where our old dietician really shined.  She’s done this enough she has some ideas, and she knows how to handle my daughter.  I also worry they are going to discharge her too soon.  But that’s always a fear I have.  I want her home, but I want her fed as well.  It’s a fine line between the two.  But I was pretty depressed when I left her on Saturday.  It just feels like a punishment to be sent away from home and have all these strict rules (they are much stricter than anywhere else on what you can and can’t wear) when she hasn’t done anything wrong.  She is sick.  We don’t send kids with cancer away and only let them talk to their families for 15 minutes a day.  I don’t know.  I’m not sure I can do this again.  I don’t know what I can do.  But this isn’t working anyway so why does it really matter?